Drowning Shadows
by paletalewriter
Summary: Magnus is not adjusting to life without his magic as well as he would like everyone to think. (Gonna be honest, this is rough. Read with caution.) (Post 3A) (#SaveShadowhunters)


**I keep trying to write fluff, but it keeps coming out as painful angst. I think my heart is sad for the show and it's affecting my writing. Sorry! I'll write something lighter soon. For now, enjoy**

 ** **(Sorry for any grammatical mistakes. I didn't have the chance to edit much today. Please leave a review and let me know your thoughts and comments and cry with me)****

Magnus pushes his hands into the pockets of his jeans. His shoes making no sound as he wanders through the institute, eyes unfocused and distant. The sound of fists against a punching bag pull him out of his head, draw his eyes up to the open door he finds himself in front of.

"Magnus," Izzy greets enthusiastically. Her tone holds an edge that gives her away. The bright smile on his face a little forced and a few watts above casual. "What brings you here?" She's sweating from her training, but she still looks like a the picture of grace. Not a hair out of place. Magnus is sure his appearance is no reflection. He hadn't bothered with hair product or accessories of any kind. His jeans are worn and the soft grey hoodie belonging to Alec is too long on him. She doesn't seem to mind, though it's obvious she takes notice.

Magnus ignores the fact that she would never have asked this of him a few days ago. With him portaling in and out of the institute with ease, his visits had become almost an everyday occurance. Now that he's back at his loft, feeling claustrophobic and trapped without easy access to where he wants to be, he's here less and less.

"Do I need an excuse to come and visit my favorite shadowhunter?" He asks, opening his arms as she walks over to hug him, wrapping her arms around his waist and squeezing him a little too tight.

"Of course not," she smiles into his shoulder, pulling back enough to look in his eyes, "He's in his office."

Magnus smiles slowly and drops a quick kiss on her temple. "Thank you."

She doesn't say he looks tired. She doesn't say he looks sad. She doesn't say that he should be at home resting. Her eyes say it all. It hurts him a little, offends him even, but he doesn't blame her. He knows everyone is worried about him.

He makes his way down the hall and finds Alec with his arms crossed on his desk, head down, breathing deep and even.

He steps quietly, feeling a pang of guilt, knowing that Alec's exhaustion is largely due to his own worries and anxieties. Neither has been sleeping the way they should. Alec came home late from the institute last night, only to find Magnus still up and drinking more than he should have been. His poor shadowhunter had sat with him and tried to talk, but Magnus hadn't wanted to. He'd brushed off Alec's concerns and questions, and instead climbed into Alec lap, pressing his mouth to his boyfriends and telling him that he didn't want to talk. That he just wanted to escape for a little while.

They'd spent most of the night naked in each other's arms. It all felt very intense and not at all like their usual nights of passion and tenderness. Alec knew Magnus was using sex to distract them both, but he had no idea how to console this gaping wound in Magnus's heart. So he had let him. Then when Magnus had woken in the morning, Alec was already gone.

Magnus feels terrible for treating Alec the way he did. He really hadn't been in his right mind. The whole ordeal has made him sick to his stomach.

He swallows the lump in his throat and brushes his fingers across Alec's cheek, gently waking his love.

Alec flinches at the touch, waking from his unexpected nap with tension in his shoulders and pain in his neck. His eyes open to his boyfriend, soft and barefaced and offering a pathetic smile that comes nowhere near his eyes.

"Hey," Magnus breathes as Alec sits up, rolling his shoulders from the uncomfortable position.

"Hi," Alec looks immediately worried and it sends an annoyed pang through Magnus's stomach. "What's wrong?"

Magnus sighs, closing his eyes and leaning his hip into the wooden desk, "Does something have to be wrong for me to come and visit my boyfriend at work?"

Alec's eyes tighten, lips pursing at the sharp words.

"Of course not," He shakes his head, reaching for Magnus's hand and pulling his love closer. Magnus comes easily, he braces his hand on the arms of Alec's chair and leans down. The kiss is electric and full of the warmth and tenderness they had been missing the night before. Alec's fingers comb into Magnus's impossibly soft hair, keeping him close for as long as Magnus will let him.

"I'm sorry," Magnus says against Alec's lips, "Last night was… I don't want you to feel-"

"Stop," Alec shakes his head, pulling back enough to catch Magnus's eye. "You're fine. We're fine."

"I shouldn't have-"

"We both shouldn't have." Alec corrects, not letting go of Magnus's hands as he leans back against his desk, eyes cast down. "Hey," Alec rolls his chair closer until his legs bracket Magnus's, trying hard to hold his love's gaze. "By the Angel you look exhausted."

"I'm fine," Magnus offers a small smile. "Though I could do with a cappuccino and a marathon of some frivolous reality TV."

"I can bring dinner after work? See if I can escape a little early today."

Magnus smiles at the offer, leaning down once again to steal Alec's mouth for his own. He grasps the desk behind him for balance as Alec presses up into the kiss. They breathe each other in and don't pull away until there is knock at the door.

"I'll leave you to it." Magnus bumps his nose to Alec's, smiling at his love as if their shared kiss might have soothed all his worries.

"You don't have to go."

"I should. Might see you later?"

"Definitely."

XXX

Magnus's heart sinks to his shoes. His hand on the rough wood of his front door. It's antique, and priceless. Salvaged and restored and put into place at the front of his home as a proud display of wealth and ancient history.

His fingers press to the small keyhole, brass and shining, and seemingly innocent. He remembers himself closing it behind himself just a few hours earlier, hearing the lock slip into place as it does on it's own. Security that Alec insisted on now that his wards are down. It had sounded like a good idea at the time.

Magnus's hand curls into a tight fist, eyes closing as a familiar panic reaches up to clutch his throat. He presses into the door. It doesn't move. The key for it tucked somewhere inside his office. He hasn't used it in years. Decades. Has he ever used it?

"Fuck." He breathes, his knuckles turning white as he slams his fist into the door. It rattles a little at the impact, but otherwise stands strong against his abuse.

How easily he feels helpless. How useless he is. A simple wood door keeping him from entering his own home.

XXX

Alec holds his phone to his ear as he's sent to Magnus's voicemail for the fourth time in a row. His brows pull together and his heart beats a little faster. He shouldn't worry. It makes Magnus crazy when he worries. But this is unlike him.

"Something wrong?" Jace comes up behind Alec, wiping raindrops from his face, both wet and cold from the last minute patrol of the area.

"Magnus isn't picking up." Alec explains simply, hanging up without leaving a message.

"Maybe he's sleeping?" Izzy offers, "He looked dead on his feet today."

Alec nods, "Maybe." But he can't shake the feeling that something is off. Magnus doesn't sleep through his phone. He doesn't sleep through anything these days. Izzy sees the worry on her older brother's face and glances at Jace. Jace shrugs.

"We're in the neighborhood." Izzy states simply, "If you're worried we could go check on him?"

Alec stares down at his phone. He's going to be there in an hour with dinner anyway. He should be able to just wait. Plus if he is finally getting some sleep, he wouldn't want to wake him.

Even though each argument makes perfect logical sense, the nagging in the back of his brain doesn't let up, his nerves pulling him back from reason.

"Would you-actually, yeah. Would you mind?" Alec scratches the back of his neck, checking the cross streets. They really are only a few blocks from the loft. Izzy hooks her arm through Alec's, offering him a reassuring smile.

XXX

"Because Werewolves smell weird, and no one will convince me otherwise." Jace shrugs. Izzy scoffs at Jace's poor argument, opening her mouth ready to come back with a defence when the three of them round the corner. Each hunter stops in their tracks, Alec's blood turns to ice as he takes in the gaping front door. The door handle has been wrenched the wrong way and the deadbolt looks as if it's been hit with blunt force, breaking and damaging the heavy wood in the process.

Alec's mind short circuits, clouding with all the horrific possibilities that lay beyond that door.

 _Someone's broken in._

 _Someone who knows Magnus is mortal and defenceless._

 _Someone broke into their home and attacked Magnus._

Alec rushes forward, pushing into the loft, only vaguely aware of his siblings right on his heels.

The living room is in mild disarray. A lamp is knocked over and the pictures frames that usually sit so perfectly on the bookshelves have been scattered on the floor.

"Magnus," Alec calls into the home, panic lacing his voice, sweat pricking his palms. Izzy and Jace come to his side, Izzy's hand squeezing at Alec's forearm, showing her own concern as her wild eyes dart around the room.

"Izzy, bedroom," Jace instructs, his tone slipping into that of a soldier. "I'll take the hall." Alec nods, unable to find his words as he strides across the living room towards Magnus's apothecary.

He tries to prepare himself for the worst. He goes through the scenarios in his mind, each one more horrifying and gruesome than the last. Like a slideshow of horrid thoughts that leave a vile taste in his mouth. He realizes quickly that the taste is blood, and releases his cheek from between his teeth, his hand shaking as he reaches for the ajar door of Magnus's work space.

The smell hits him first. Like a wall of fragrance that overwhelmed his senses and stings his eyes. It's organic and strong as he steps into the familiar room.

Only the room isn't familiar at all.

It's nearly unrecognizable. The space with its usual warlock organization and pristine housekeeping has been transformed into a war zone. Broken glass, vases and viles, litter the floor. Papers that are usually filed into neat stacks are strewn around the room. Cabinets and desk drawers are pulled from their places, their contents tipped onto the floor. Old potions spilled and staining everything they touch.

Alec takes a few cautious steps, crushing pieces of broken glass beneath his shoes.

His eyes scan the room, taking in the destruction, before at last landing on the figure in the far corner. Legs drawn up to his chest, hands dripping with dark red blood draped over his knees, and head bowed, hidden from view.

Alec opens his mouth, Magnus's name on his tongue. But his throat tightens, strangling him with a pain he's never felt.

Magnus's shoulders are shaking in silent sobs that rock his body. It looks painful. His body contorting around the emotions that he has no hope of containing. Alec's entire body buzzes with a toxic mix of grief and shock that steals the breath from his lungs. Any relief that might have bloomed for Magnus being here, alive, so quickly drowned out by the pain that is watching the man you love the most, crumble into a million broken pieces.

It feels like hours until he finds it in himself to move. His planted feet shifting through the disaster that is the floor surrounding him. Stepping over trinkets and torn journals. He pauses a moment when he sees a familiar wooden box, tipped on its side, it's priceless mementoes scattered across the floor.

It feels like years before Alec is standing before his love. He's not even sure if Magnus is aware of his presence. His eyes burn with tears that threaten, the shock at seeing such a sight has wasted him away.

Alec slowly lowers himself, his knees pressing into the wood floor, his hands shake uncontrollably as he reaches for Magnus.

"Don't."

It's so quiet that Alec is sure he's imagined it. Magnus's shoulders have stilled, though his breathing is laboured and his face remains buried between his arms.

Alec's hand remains frozen in mid-air, halfway to Magnus's shoulder. He narrows his eyes at Magnus's blood soaked fingers. The cuts seem deep. Jagged and small, as if he'd clears the shelves with his bare hands, raking them over broken glass in the process. Alec's jaw aches from the tears he's trying to hold back. If he'd just gotten here a little sooner...

"Magnus," He croaks, unable to think of anything worthy to say.

At this moment, the footsteps of his siblings drift into the room, and come to an abrupt halt as they each take in the scene before them. Izzy's hand goes to her mouth, a shocked gasp caught in her throat as Jace reaches for her other, squeezing her fingers tightly in his.

"I-" Magnus lifts his head slowly, face red and blotchy, tears streaked across perfect skin. Lashes wet and eyes unable to meet the ones of the man kneeling before him. "I couldn't get in. My key…" Magnus glances around the room, taking in his destruction. "I couldn't find my key…"

His voice is detached, as if coming out a dream. A nightmare.

Alec's eyes close, anger wrecking him. Anger towards himself, for forgetting something as simple as a door key. For not dropping everything at work when Magnus had shown up, obviously distraught and in pain just a few hours earlier. For letting Magnus tell him he's fine, when he'd clearly been hurting. Anger at Asmodeus for robbing Magnus of such a precious part of himself. Taking from him a piece of his identity. For causing his love the kind of pain he wouldn't wish on the devil himself.

"It's-"

"Don't." Magnus's eyes flash, at last meeting Alec's in the dimly lit room. "Don't say that everything is okay. Please." fresh tears bloom in the corners of those perfect eyes and spill down his face. " _Please._ "

"Magnus, let me look at you, you're bleeding." reaching for one blood soaked hand, Magnus jerks away, almost causing Alec to jump back in shock.

He's never felt more helpless. More inadequate and lost.

"Why are you here."

The question throws Alec, sending him into a spin before he can get his bearings enough to respond. "What do you mean," It's breathless and desperate, "I love you, I'm here, always."

"You don't."

"What?"

Magnus shakes his head, eyes focused somewhere over Alec's right shoulder. Perhaps on the two shadowhunters, frozen in shock at the door. "Love me."

"What are you-"

"How could you possibly? You don't even know who I am." Each word is a blow. A painful and unfair strike that leaves Alec aching and confused, his mind grappling desperately with the words he can't hope to understand.

"Magnus-"

"You don't!" His voice crackles and smarts in the air, causing all persons to flinch at the raw ache of it, "For _fuck sake, I_ don't even know who I am. What I am." his free hand curls into a fist, blood trailing down his wrists, staining the sleeves of the borrowed sweater crimson.

"You are the same person you've always been." Alec sobs, all reason and understanding long dead. A pit in his stomach relentless, he feels sick. "You are the love of my life-"

"I'm nothing-"

"You're my worl-"

"I'm your burden!" Magnus strikes at Alec's chest, desperate to put space between them. Alec doesn't recoil this time, but snatches Magnus's injured hand in his, clutching it to his chest. Magnus pushes again, but Alec only reaches with his other, grasping the back of Magnus's neck and moving closer.

"Stop," Alec begs, closing his eyes to the raw anguish that pours from Magnus's bleeding heart, and pressing his forehead to his love who continues to draw back, as if burned where they're skin meets.

Jace's grip tightens around Izzy's hand as the pain from his parabati rune aches throughout his body, radiating through his veins, sharing in Alec's broken heart.

"My love, my world," Alec whispers into the air between them, sharing Magnus's desperate gasps of oxygen into his burning lungs.

"I can't…" Magnus sobs. The sound crackles in the air, as if his grief has become into own entity, sucking the life out of the room and the man who is trying so desperately to pull him from the edge of insanity. Back to a world that still holds purpose and hope. Magnus only feels the emptiness. The darkness that clutches at his chest and steals his voice.

"You can."

" _Please_ go-"

"Never." Alec shakes his head, wishing that Magnus would open his eyes. Look at him. It's excruciating not being able to look into that liquid gold and soothe the pain that threatens to sever the last shred of hope from his love's heart. "I'm here. I'm here."

Magnus gives one last shove at Alec's chest, though the fire is gone from his touch and only a broken, bleeding man remains. Bloody fingers close around the front of Alec's shirt and at last, Magnus's face is buried in Alec's chest. Sobs wrack his body, a jumble of senseless words falling from his mouth in languages that Alec doesn't understand. Alec's arm wraps around this fragmented soul who holds on so tight it hurts.

Alec isn't sure when Izzy and Jace leave, but his phone is later flooded with texts from Cat and Dot and Luke, messages of worry and offers of help. All of which he doesn't see until hours later.

For now they remain a crumpled mess of limbs and tears and blood, on the floor of a room that used to to bring health to those who suffered and mend the broken. A room that is now merely a reminder to Magnus of his loss. With just a locked door and room so full of history, its shattered the very man Alec believed to be unbreakable.

 **#SaveShadowhunters**


End file.
